Body Image and Pregnancy

I'm 27 weeks today! The 28 week point and the third trimester is almost here and I'm getting more and more excited about the arrival of baby in 3 months time!

I'm also growing! I feel huge and my mum and Grant are sure that I have got bigger in just a few days. Looking at this photo though, I look quite small still. It's weird how our perceptions of ourselves differ. When I look down or look in the mirror I see a massive belly in front of me, I feel as though I have a bowling ball strapped to my waist.

I took this photo this morning to show how much I've grown and am quite surprised at how little and neat my bump is. It's nice to see. Although I'm loving being pregnant and have never felt so at ease with my appearance - in fact I would go as far to say I have never felt this sexy and attractive - I still struggle a little to come to terms with comments like 'wow you're huge' or 'gosh and you've still got 3 more months!'.

Most people are overly aware of their size - in my experience it is normally those who have nothing to worry about that are more aware of every little gain or loss in their weight and I would say our media is to blame there. It seems to me that during pregnancy women are not meant to have any feelings about their appearance. We're meant to bloom, to revel in the fact that our body is growing huge to provide life to another and accept others commenting freely on how we look.

I'm lucky in that I haven't had any strangers coming up to me and touching my bump or giving me well meaning 'advice', but I do have a mother who has always been very body conscious - not just with her own body but mine as well - and who comments weekly on how much I've grown. She doesn't do it with any malice or unpleasantness, she just makes the comment.

I've also got a very well meaning step father who thinks he knows everything there is to know about pregnancy. His experience comes from his ex wife's two pregnancies - over 30 years ago - and from farm animals - I had to tell him yesterday that I am not a cow! Again, he doesn't wish to be unpleasant or mean, he is often trying to sympathise with me, but sometimes it would be nice for him to realise that I am the expert when it comes to my body and my pregnancy, and not every women (or should that be female mammal) has the same pregnancy or the same feelings during pregnancy.

Sometimes it would be nice for them all to just recognise that I am going through a massive change in my life - both physically and psychologically - and the best support that they could give me would be to just let me be me.

Wow - I did not mean for this post to become such a rant, it was meant to be all about my growing bump and how excited I am to become a mother. I'm glad I wrote it all though as it's clearly been lurking under the surface for some time. I've been feeling quite emotionally fragile lately and have noticed signs of my depression creeping in again. I don't think it is anything to worry about but I do need to acknowledge these feelings so that I can nip them in the bud now and not let them take over like they did last year.

Monday Blues

I've had a bit of a weepy day today. I'm not even sure why!

I had my 16 week midwife appointment this morning, just like after my first appointment, I left feeling as though it had all been a bit of a waste of time!

I did get to hear my baby's heart beat, which a relief, not that I had been worrying about the baby (until she got the Doppler out!) and I had my urine tested, which was also fine.

I didn't really know what to expect from her today, but I didn't expect to feel so much in limbo - too far in to the pregnancy to be a concern, too early to be given any information about labour and what happens after the birth.

I know I should be pleased that there were no causes for concern, and I am, don't get me wrong, but it does leave me feeling that first time mothers really don't get much support from the professionals who are supposed to be overseeing the pregnancy and birth. It's no wonder websites offering forums and advice are so popular, and thank goodness they are so prolific, but do they always give the most accurate advice? I feel that I should take everything I read on-line with a pinch of salt.

Anyway, this didn't in itself set off the waterworks, generally work issues were to blame there, but I do think the feeling of disappointment I came away from the midwife with set me up to have an emotional day.

Information Addict

Since finding out about my pregnancy I have become an information junkie!

I've been spending a stupid amount of time looking at just about every baby related website I can find.

Unfortunately I work from home and so have no one looking over me, checking up on what I'm doing and I can often lose a whole afternoon just reading forums, blogs and information sites, oh and not to mention the baby product websites!

I also have a few magazines and books that I've been given, which are also a complete distraction - I think because I'm reading or working on my lap top I can pretend that I'm doing something worthwhile and productive - never mind that it is completely unrelated to my work.

If I worked for myself I suppose it wouldn't be so bad, but I work for my family and now feel guilty for wasting the time that they are paying me to work in! Not sure how I can solve this problem. When I try and be strict with myself I find I can't concentrate on my work anyway which feels less productive than researching baby stuff.

Maybe I will grow out of it as I become more used to being pregnant. However I fear the opposite will happen and the nearer I get to the due date the less engaged in my work I will be - I'm sure this is normal when you only have a few weeks until your baby is due but I have 5 months to get through!

Ultimately it shows how little interest I have in my career. I've never been passionate about any job I have done and have battled mild depression for several years because of my feelings of inadequacy towards my career. It has only been since I found out about my baby that I have begun to feel happy again which highlights to me how important having a child and being a mother is to me. I'm just worried I will become dependent on my baby to be happy.